Special Day

Me: What do you feel like for lunch today?
Wife: I don’t know, what do you feel like?
Me: Anything you like, it’s your special day!
Wife: Ooh there’s that new Italian restaurant…
Me: The one that opened near the coffee shop on Main? Fantastic idea!
Wife: Oh no I meant a different one, near the Safeway.
Me: Hmm, well are you SURE you want to try something that might not be that good, on your special day? Maybe we should stick with something that you know you’ll like…
Wife: Good point, how about that sushi place I love?
Me: Ooh great idea, the one right across from Main, right?
Wife: Uh, that’s omakase only, and the kids can’t handle omakase.
Me: That’s true, that’s true. Well, how about if I run out for some poke, maybe run an errand first, and then bring it home? That way you can relax at home with the kids.
Wife: Um. Well I was thinking the sushi near the haircut place, that we usually go to…
Me: Well that’s not really S-P-E-C-I-A-L, and you deserve special. What about that Mediterranean place on Main, the one right next to the coffee shop?
Wife: Doesn’t our son hate hummus?
Me: Well it’s YOUR day, not his. I say we go.
Wife: I don’t really feel like getting into a two hour standoff with our kid today. What about Korean BBQ?
Me: Well there’s no good Korean BBQ places near…oh wait what about pizza?
Wife: …which pizza did you have in mind?
Me: Maybe the “make your own pizza” chain, you know the ones the kids love?
Wife: …you mean the one on Main?
Me: Oh that’s right, they have one right in that plaza, don’t they?
Wife: …it’s next to your favorite coffee shop.
Me: That is true. I hadn’t thought of that!
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: …sound good then?


Beautiful Smile

The true joy of a smile isn’t in the smile itself, but in the transition to that smile from a neutral state.

That’s why my son’s requests for cookies are always met with a firm “No”, followed by “OK OK stop whining!”


Brain surgeon

If I were to be told today that I’m now a brain surgeon, and then also told that I won’t get to be anything other than a brain surgeon for another four years, then I suppose the first thing I’d do is procrastinate. A lot.

First I’d brag about how I somehow bypassed all formal training and education to get to here, until one of the nurses finally tells me to shut up, then literally drags me to my first operation.

Then I’d yell something like “I’m good at this!” (hoping it’s true) before flailing around aimlessly in an repressed state of panic. Maybe turn some knobs on the anesthesia equipment. Maybe hold the defibrillators to my chest and make an inappropriate joke. Maybe surf the news or tweet from my phone until someone asks me why I’m bringing unsterilized devices into an operating room. I might lash out at that nurse for speaking to me, the brain surgeon, in such a rude way. You know, to buy myself more time.

Then, after seeing that others are still watching, and waiting, I might pitifully whisper that “surgery is a lot harder than I expected,” vainly hoping for someone to come over with a hug. And maybe hope for that someone to say “aww, well then let me take over for you.”

Eventually, it’ll become fairly obvious that I just can’t pick up that scalpel, not when a precious life is at stake. So I’d probably wind up nobly apologizing to the room, before resigning from my position. Everyone would applaud me for having the courage and conviction and self-awareness to realize my own limitations.

Afterwards I’d celebrate my decision with a glass of scotch, and then maybe hit the links.


Daniel Tiger fanboy

Just wanted to mention how much I’ve appreciate all of the invaluable social and problem-solving lessons that Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood has brought into our modest household. Lessons like (cue music):

1. When your kid won’t stop yelling, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
2. When your kid won’t eat veggies, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
3. When your kid says he loves you, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
4. When your kid says he hates you, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
5. When your kid wakes you up at 6:00 AM, then let’s make believe we’re still asleep!


Cheers, an original sitcom

Setting: A bar in Boston

Cast:

• Bill Malone – Owner and bartender of Cheers. Laid back and notorious for smooth-talking women. But deep down, his kind and generous heart makes him tremendously loyal to both his friends and his bar.

• Hilary Chambers – Sophisticated, upper-class academic with an on/off relationship with Bill Malone. Has initial difficulty identifying herself with her bar patrons due to her somewhat snobbish personality. Leaves the bar scene to pursue other interests, but not before her tremendous heart affords her a terrific fresh perspective on life.

• George “Coach” Pantusso – A slightly senile co-bartender, easily deceived and let into undesirable situations, which often put the bar at stake. But deep down, his tremendous heart endears him to his friends, and his terrific love for the bar can only be described as amazing.

• Ronald Peterson – A bar regular, popular and always ready to engage difficult situations with a perfectly timed quip. His tremendous, terrific heart makes him so classy and amazing that everyone yells his first name whenever he enters the room.

• Jimmy Clavin – Often ridiculed for his honest yet unwelcome observations, this know-it-all bar regular is often found reciting facts that nobody wants to hear. Though fellow bar patrons will never admit it his bigly, beautiful nature makes him a classy and tremendously amazing member of their terrific inner circle.

• Barack Crane – The bar’s resident psychiatrist with a soothing voice and an analytical mind, he is the calm, ever-present voice of reason that his friends rely on for guidance. But though his fantastic, tremendously terrific advice might sometimes lead to bigly shenanigans, beautiful and amazing people still love him for his classy heart.

• George W Boyd – Somewhat clueless bartender with close ties to Coach, his predecessor. Often misunderstands conversations in the room, but has good intentions overall. Similar to his beautiful, classy predecessor, possesses a tremendous, bigly heart that is fantastically reflected in his amazing, terrific faith in friends.

• Donald Colcord – Multi-millionaire industrialist, plotting a hostile takeover of the company which owns the bar.

• Ivanka Howe – Strong and independent. Has an initial relationship with Donald Colcord, but in light of Donald Colcord’s eventual arrest and prison sentence, realizes that she’s in actually love with an American plumber. Discovers an amazing willingness to reach hugely across class divides in a tremendous way, to give her fantastic, bigly heart to a classy lower-income American, thereby proving that she’s a tremendous member of the beautiful, terrific Cheers family.


Wall budget

Can we all agree that $2 billion just isn’t enough to build a truly effective wall, considering the extraneous expenses? Here’s possibly a better breakdown of what’s needed:

  • $5 billion for wall construction
  • $2 billion for moat construction
  • $1 billion for longbow archers recruitment + training
  • $500 million for research into hot pitch defense technology
  • $500 million for research into catapult counter-measures
  • $500 million for secret underground dungeons sustainable organic vegetable gardens
  • $100 million for Trump tower remodel discretionary spending

Gaslighting

Wife: Hey you forgot to buy the milk.
Me: No I didn’t.
Wife: There’s ONE carton in the fridge, and it’s completely empty.
Me: Well, that carton was full this morning.
Wife: Soooo you’re suggesting that one of us drank an entire carton of milk in less than three hours?
Me: Or some of us, yes.
Wife: Well it wasn’t me, and you’re lactose intolerant.
Me: Our son isn’t, and he drinks a lot of milk.
Wife: Our toddler son?
Me: Yes. He did it.
Wife: So you’re saying that our toddler son with the strength of a toddler somehow opened our fridge by himself, grabbed the milk from the top shelf, and then proceeded to down an entire quart in one sitting?
Me: He used a ladder.

Real Wife: Stop stop stop. What are you writing? I do NOT remember having this conversation!
Me: Yes we did, last Saturday.
Real Wife: So you’re saying that you went grocery shopping last weekend? You? And was this before or after your 3-hour power nap?
Me: I’m going to say…after.
Real Wife: Hey hombre, sorry to break it to you but you haven’t stepped foot inside a grocery store since last July. 
Me: Please don’t call me hombre.

Real Actual Wife: Oh, come on, HOMBRE? And what is this, a Waiting for Godot knockoff?
Me: It both is and it isn’t. The title explains what it isn’t, without denying what it is. And by the way you call me “hombre” whenever I’m sleeping.
Real Actual Wife: Gaslighting? I don’t know what that means.
Me: Oh no yeah neither do I. Just made it up a few minutes ago.
Real Actual Wife: Really. And what if I Google it right now?
Me: Oh no yes no no need, you only need to focus on the alternative facts.
Real Actual Wife: ….what?
Me: Alternative facts.
Real Actual Wife: Alternative facts?
Me: Yes.
Real Actual Wife: What exactly are you saying about alternative facts?
Me: I’m saying alternative facts are important. 
Real Actual Wife: Are you just repeating the words “alternative facts”?
Me: Those were the facts I was given.
Real Actual Wife: What facts? Did you stay up watching Westworld again last night?
Me: I think the more relevant question is, Did I CHOOSE to stay up watching the Gilmore Girls reunion last night? And the answer is maybe.

Conscience: You do realize that you’ve just fabricated an entire conversation that your actual wife had no part of, don’t you?
Me: It’s ok, she’ll approve it.
Conscience: Will she though?
Me: She already did.
Conscience: Did she though?
Me: Probably.
Conscience: You’re an ass.
Me: Am I though?
The One True Wife: …are you showing this to me right now because you’re genuinely looking for my approval, or is whatever I say next going into one of your posts?
Me: Don’t worry, I won’t put it in.
The One True Wife: Ugh this stuff is making my head hurt. It’s like that Inception movie.
Me: Well you know what they say, that behind every confusing thought is an opportunity to make money.
The One True Wife: Is that another one of your stupid quotes?
Me: No, that was Ben Franklin.
The One True Wife: Hey what…are you doing something weird again? What’s that behind your back?
Me: It’s a knife.
The One True Wife: No, that’s your phone! You’re recording this, aren’t you?
Me: Well if by recording you mean recording in the strictest sense of the word recording, and not in the most lackadaisical –
The One True Wife: – forget it let’s just go get you that new Playstation.
Me: Yes.