Today’s CNN headline: “Little to stop Trump from bombing North Korea”
So my first thought was “Who is this General Little and is he courageous enough to stand up against our Commander in Chief’s unstable shenanigans?”
And then it hit me like a gut punch.
Tonight, at precisely 9:46 PM, I found myself putzing aimlessly around the house while asking myself “What do I have to do now? Right now what do I have to do which needs to be done?”
Kids were asleep, toy were picked up, bills were paid…and for the first time in a long time, I suddenly realized that the answer was to simply to RELAAAAAAAAAAAAA…x
So I poured myself a glass of scotch, found the remote, sat back on the couch, put down my glass, and went back upstairs to console my crying son. Something about mean elephants.
I’m no lawyer, but should the lawyers of the lawyers of our esteemed president start thinking about retaining their own personal lawyers, in the event that this president suddenly decide to accuse said lawyers’ lawyers of nefarious political machinations while representing the lawyers representing the interests of our esteemed president, during this coming December’s impeachment proceedings?
• When the older kid poops in his pants and is looking for a responsible party to clean him up
• When your wife has just discovered your undisclosed purchase of [non-essential $500+ vintage limited-release collectable], and is coming this way right now!
• When he sits down on your face
• When he wakes up from a nap to tell you that he wants to join Mensa, right before you wake up from your nap and find him chewing on a remote
• When he crawls towards that incredibly creepy other dad with a full set of hair, six-pack abs, and a fully ironed stain-free dress shirt
Step 1: Create a list of 10 key enemies in your life, ranked from mild antagonist to lifelong arch-nemesis. Assign corresponding numerical value to each enemy on your list.
1.Street thug #368
2.Mob boss #184
Step 2: Removing all logistics, think of one impactful accomplishment that:
1. Would matter enormously to you on a personal level
2. Would benefit all of humankind over the long term, instead of the short term
3. Would be granted extensive international media coverage, should it be accomplished.
If you can’t think of anything which satisfies all three criteria, then give yourself a 0 and skip to step 5
Superman Example: Reversing climate change
Step 3: Set a baseline by taking mildest antagonist in your list. Pretend that you’ve successfully completed your chosen accomplishment, by yourself and yourself alone. Then consider whether you’d be would be willing to give up all credit for that accomplishment to your antagonist, in perpetuity, with no possibility of ever correcting the mistaken perception.
If you answer NO, then give yourself a score of 0 and skip to step 5.
Step 4: If you answer YES, then divide the numerical assignment of that antagonist by 10, then move on to the next person in your list. Repeat the assessment and calculation, while retaining the highest value between the newest value and all previous value(s) calculated thus far.
If at any point you answer NO, then retain your highest calculated value and move on to Step 5.
Step 5: The value that you have at this point your official Leadership Index. Feel free to add it to your resume.
Superman Example: Superman would give credit for reversing climate change to anyone so long as the world remains safe, so he gets a full 10/10 = 1.
President Trump Example: 0 for multiple reasons.
I wonder if all of civilization could be dropped onto a finite set of floating stairs, of which at every moment there is an upward-leading step that is in a state of construction, and with the rather inconvenient caveat that all new construction material must come from that same staircase’s bottom step.
For some the primary debate would then be over how much time to give to society’s “stragglers”, those having the most difficulty ascending from that one bottom step before we make the decision to destroy it. And I for one would not envy the messenger tasked with notifying these folks, that their time – has – run – out.
For others, priority would center upon the reallocation of a few step engineers into the construction of noiseless headphones. Their hope would be to provide their fellows (and themselves) a reliable method with which to filter from their lives the screams of those who plummet.
Still others would boldly claim that there should be NO reason to do anything but wait. Wait then wait, for the entirety of civilization to advance at the very least to the second step from the bottom. Now, in a finite population some might agree that such an argument has merit. But inevitably, other types of others would point to the incoming babies and immigrants, just then parachuting onto this finite staircase. Occasionally, some might start to ask why they’re insisting upon coming here, without quite realizing that their arrival never was artificially planned or predicted. Gravity tends to draws in those who seek safety, like a mother’s embrace.
Tragically, one day, some unfortunate soul will parachute in, onto the bottom step, and accidentally “bump” another equally unfortunate soul off of the staircase. At this point, I could imagine nearby witnesses panicking briefly, then taking stock of their own position on the stair. Many of them will begin to look upward, to see who they might themselves displace in order to protect themself. The ones on the second step will look upwards themselves, and so and so forth, until finally I give up trying to make sense of the madness infecting our world these days, and go to bed.
Me: What do you feel like for lunch today?
Wife: I don’t know, what do you feel like?
Me: Anything you like, it’s your special day!
Wife: Ooh there’s that new Italian restaurant…
Me: The one that opened near the coffee shop on Main? Fantastic idea!
Wife: Oh no I meant a different one, near the Safeway.
Me: Hmm, well are you SURE you want to try something that might not be that good, on your special day? Maybe we should stick with something that you know you’ll like…
Wife: Good point, how about that sushi place I love?
Me: Ooh great idea, the one right across from Main, right?
Wife: Uh, that’s omakase only, and the kids can’t handle omakase.
Me: That’s true, that’s true. Well, how about if I run out for some poke, maybe run an errand first, and then bring it home? That way you can relax at home with the kids.
Wife: Um. Well I was thinking the sushi near the haircut place, that we usually go to…
Me: Well that’s not really S-P-E-C-I-A-L, and you deserve special. What about that Mediterranean place on Main, the one right next to the coffee shop?
Wife: Doesn’t our son hate hummus?
Me: Well it’s YOUR day, not his. I say we go.
Wife: I don’t really feel like getting into a two hour standoff with our kid today. What about Korean BBQ?
Me: Well there’s no good Korean BBQ places near…oh wait what about pizza?
Wife: …which pizza did you have in mind?
Me: Maybe the “make your own pizza” chain, you know the ones the kids love?
Wife: …you mean the one on Main?
Me: Oh that’s right, they have one right in that plaza, don’t they?
Wife: …it’s next to your favorite coffee shop.
Me: That is true. I hadn’t thought of that!
Me: …sound good then?