For you fathers looking to add extra spice to your ho-hum existences, here’s some helpful tips on how to add turbulence to your lives:
- Volunteer for a business trip, but tell your wife that it’s mandatory. Then post a blog bragging about this where she can easily read it.
- Bonus points: Compose this blog while you’re on that actual business trip, preferably while your wife is trying to put the kids to bed in another city.
For you parents of energetic, restless kids, here’s some helpful tips on how to get your own real R&R:
1. Get an endoscopy. Full anesthesia.
2. Volunteer for a business trip (but tell your wife that it’s mandatory)
3. That’s it. That’s all I got.
Tonight, at precisely 9:46 PM, I found myself putzing aimlessly around the house while asking myself “What do I have to do now? Right now what do I have to do which needs to be done?”
Kids were asleep, toy were picked up, bills were paid…and for the first time in a long time, I suddenly realized that the answer was to simply to RELAAAAAAAAAAAAA…x
So I poured myself a glass of scotch, found the remote, sat back on the couch, put down my glass, and went back upstairs to console my crying son. Something about mean elephants.
• When the older kid poops in his pants and is looking for a responsible party to clean him up
• When your wife has just discovered your undisclosed purchase of [non-essential $500+ vintage limited-release collectable], and is coming this way right now!
• When he sits down on your face
• When he wakes up from a nap to tell you that he wants to join Mensa, right before you wake up from your nap and find him chewing on a remote
• When he crawls towards that incredibly creepy other dad with a full set of hair, six-pack abs, and a fully ironed stain-free dress shirt
Me: What do you feel like for lunch today?
Wife: I don’t know, what do you feel like?
Me: Anything you like, it’s your special day!
Wife: Ooh there’s that new Italian restaurant…
Me: The one that opened near the coffee shop on Main? Fantastic idea!
Wife: Oh no I meant a different one, near the Safeway.
Me: Hmm, well are you SURE you want to try something that might not be that good, on your special day? Maybe we should stick with something that you know you’ll like…
Wife: Good point, how about that sushi place I love?
Me: Ooh great idea, the one right across from Main, right?
Wife: Uh, that’s omakase only, and the kids can’t handle omakase.
Me: That’s true, that’s true. Well, how about if I run out for some poke, maybe run an errand first, and then bring it home? That way you can relax at home with the kids.
Wife: Um. Well I was thinking the sushi near the haircut place, that we usually go to…
Me: Well that’s not really S-P-E-C-I-A-L, and you deserve special. What about that Mediterranean place on Main, the one right next to the coffee shop?
Wife: Doesn’t our son hate hummus?
Me: Well it’s YOUR day, not his. I say we go.
Wife: I don’t really feel like getting into a two hour standoff with our kid today. What about Korean BBQ?
Me: Well there’s no good Korean BBQ places near…oh wait what about pizza?
Wife: …which pizza did you have in mind?
Me: Maybe the “make your own pizza” chain, you know the ones the kids love?
Wife: …you mean the one on Main?
Me: Oh that’s right, they have one right in that plaza, don’t they?
Wife: …it’s next to your favorite coffee shop.
Me: That is true. I hadn’t thought of that!
Me: …sound good then?
The true joy of a smile isn’t in the smile itself, but in the transition to that smile from a neutral state.
That’s why my son’s requests for cookies are always met with a firm “No”, followed by “OK OK stop whining!”
Just wanted to mention how much I’ve appreciate all of the invaluable social and problem-solving lessons that Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood has brought into our modest household. Lessons like (cue music):
1. When your kid won’t stop yelling, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
2. When your kid won’t eat veggies, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
3. When your kid says he loves you, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
4. When your kid says he hates you, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
5. When your kid wakes you up at 6:00 AM, then let’s make believe we’re still asleep!