Tonight it is perfectly acceptable to sit in the corner of a bedroom to creepily stare at your sleeping child, but only if he/she:
• is a baby.
• is sick.
• told you “I love you” for the first time today.
• was the last kid to be picked up from school today.
• told you “I hate you” for the first time today.
• was bullied by another kid without realizing it, right in front of you.
• listened sadly while you yelled at him/her a little more than you probably needed to.
• was bullied by another kid, and suddenly realized it for the first time.
• watched a scary movie without your permission.
• is back home for the first time since leaving for college.
• lives in the same scary world that you’ve been reading about in the day’s news.
• pointed out something beautiful in your day-to-day surroundings today, that you yourself hadn’t noticed since you were that same age.
1. Looks like one of Santa’s elves was a little tipsy when he wrapped this present.
2. “It’s a Wonderful Life” is this classic holiday movie about what would happen if a daddy weren’t around, except it’s got kind of a sad ending. Burn.
3. Looks like one of Santa’s reindeer tried to use our toilet last night…and missed.
4. Hey look this year’s daddy’s hair is going to give us the white Christmas we’ve always wanted. Burn x2.
5. Hey Rudolph I bet Santa would’ve wanted to run that yellow.
Happy holidays anyways!
Need some uninterrupted privacy to finish some errands around the house? Try setting up your old Halloween decorations right outside your kid’s bedroom while he’s waiting out his latest timeout. If you don’t have any, an audio recording of sinister laughter or growling animals will work just as effectively.
For you fathers looking to add extra spice to your ho-hum existences, here’s some helpful tips on how to add turbulence to your lives:
- Volunteer for a business trip, but tell your wife that it’s mandatory. Then post a blog bragging about this where she can easily read it.
- Bonus points: Compose this blog while you’re on that actual business trip, preferably while your wife is trying to put the kids to bed in another city.
For you parents of energetic, restless kids, here’s some helpful tips on how to get your own real R&R:
1. Get an endoscopy. Full anesthesia.
2. Volunteer for a business trip (but tell your wife that it’s mandatory)
3. That’s it. That’s all I got.
Tonight, at precisely 9:46 PM, I found myself putzing aimlessly around the house while asking myself “What do I have to do now? Right now what do I have to do which needs to be done?”
Kids were asleep, toy were picked up, bills were paid…and for the first time in a long time, I suddenly realized that the answer was to simply to RELAAAAAAAAAAAAA…x
So I poured myself a glass of scotch, found the remote, sat back on the couch, put down my glass, and went back upstairs to console my crying son. Something about mean elephants.
• When the older kid poops in his pants and is looking for a responsible party to clean him up
• When your wife has just discovered your undisclosed purchase of [non-essential $500+ vintage limited-release collectable], and is coming this way right now!
• When he sits down on your face
• When he wakes up from a nap to tell you that he wants to join Mensa, right before you wake up from your nap and find him chewing on a remote
• When he crawls towards that incredibly creepy other dad with a full set of hair, six-pack abs, and a fully ironed stain-free dress shirt