Category Archives: fatherhood

R&R

Tonight, at precisely 9:46 PM, I found myself putzing aimlessly around the house while asking myself “What do I have to do now? Right now what do I have to do which needs to be done?”

Kids were asleep, toy were picked up, bills were paid…and for the first time in a long time, I suddenly realized that the answer was to simply to RELAAAAAAAAAAAAA…x

So I poured myself a glass of scotch, found the remote, sat back on the couch, put down my glass, and went back upstairs to console my crying son. Something about mean elephants.


5 reasons to pick up your baby

• When the older kid poops in his pants and is looking for a responsible party to clean him up
• When your wife has just discovered your undisclosed purchase of [non-essential $500+ vintage limited-release collectable], and is coming this way right now!
• When he sits down on your face
• When he wakes up from a nap to tell you that he wants to join Mensa, right before you wake up from your nap and find him chewing on a remote
• When he crawls towards that incredibly creepy other dad with a full set of hair, six-pack abs, and a fully ironed stain-free dress shirt


Special Day

Me: What do you feel like for lunch today?
Wife: I don’t know, what do you feel like?
Me: Anything you like, it’s your special day!
Wife: Ooh there’s that new Italian restaurant…
Me: The one that opened near the coffee shop on Main? Fantastic idea!
Wife: Oh no I meant a different one, near the Safeway.
Me: Hmm, well are you SURE you want to try something that might not be that good, on your special day? Maybe we should stick with something that you know you’ll like…
Wife: Good point, how about that sushi place I love?
Me: Ooh great idea, the one right across from Main, right?
Wife: Uh, that’s omakase only, and the kids can’t handle omakase.
Me: That’s true, that’s true. Well, how about if I run out for some poke, maybe run an errand first, and then bring it home? That way you can relax at home with the kids.
Wife: Um. Well I was thinking the sushi near the haircut place, that we usually go to…
Me: Well that’s not really S-P-E-C-I-A-L, and you deserve special. What about that Mediterranean place on Main, the one right next to the coffee shop?
Wife: Doesn’t our son hate hummus?
Me: Well it’s YOUR day, not his. I say we go.
Wife: I don’t really feel like getting into a two hour standoff with our kid today. What about Korean BBQ?
Me: Well there’s no good Korean BBQ places near…oh wait what about pizza?
Wife: …which pizza did you have in mind?
Me: Maybe the “make your own pizza” chain, you know the ones the kids love?
Wife: …you mean the one on Main?
Me: Oh that’s right, they have one right in that plaza, don’t they?
Wife: …it’s next to your favorite coffee shop.
Me: That is true. I hadn’t thought of that!
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: …sound good then?


Beautiful Smile

The true joy of a smile isn’t in the smile itself, but in the transition to that smile from a neutral state.

That’s why my son’s requests for cookies are always met with a firm “No”, followed by “OK OK stop whining!”


Daniel Tiger fanboy

Just wanted to mention how much I’ve appreciate all of the invaluable social and problem-solving lessons that Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood has brought into our modest household. Lessons like (cue music):

1. When your kid won’t stop yelling, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
2. When your kid won’t eat veggies, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
3. When your kid says he loves you, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
4. When your kid says he hates you, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
5. When your kid wakes you up at 6:00 AM, then let’s make believe we’re still asleep!


Obsession

A is for a-a-apple! Oh ok, a-a-animal.

B is for b-b-banana! Ok right, b-b-bbear.

C is for c-c-candy! No? C-c-cars? …how about c-c-cats? Ok.

D is for d-d-daddy wants to stop talking about animals today, buddy. Can we stop talking about animals? Fine. D-d-dog.

E is for e-e-ever think about playing with those toy robots we got you? No? Sure sure, e-e-eelephants.

F is for f-f-flutes that make beautiful, breathtaking music. Want to hear some engaging flute music? No, we’re not watching that flamingo video again. Please stop whining.

G is for g-g-giraffe. Sigh.

H is for h-h-hippo. Happy?

I is for i-i-ice cream. Want to go get some ice cream? Sure we can go get some ice cream, and maybe talk about…no you can’t bring your stuffed iguana, it’ll get dirty. No then. No. No. Please stop whining.

J is for j-j-jaguars would jump off a bridge if they heard you talk about animals as much as I do, buddy. Uh…yeah to swim with dolphins, sure.

K is for k-k-kites. Want to go fly a kite? No? What if I tied a kitten to it? Yeah, I figured. No we’re not doing that, I was k-k-kidding.

L is for l-l-llama. Yes, I know you know about llamas. Please don’t spit on the carpet, son.

M is for m-m-momma hey momma I think our adorable son wants to recite the alphabet with you momma momma are you sure need to run errands hey momma are you sure we need groceries today wait momma I really don’t mind going to get those groceries – and she’s gone. No I don’t know why she was running, buddy. M-m-monkeys.

N is for n-n-nope. Nope that’s it, I’m done. I’m on strike. Yes, daddy’s on strike. Strike means I’m not going to do something anymore. Because I’m tired. That’s right, no more talking about animals. Strike means strike. Yes exactly, like your “Animal Strike at the Zoo” book. Where is it? It’s over there, under your book about animals in the mitten. No that’s your lion roar counting book. No that’s “Polar bear polar bear what do you hear”. No that’s your stuffed shark, here let me show you. No no wait, I didn’t agree to read it. Please, no. Please, no I was just showing…please stop whining. Ok ok, just once. Please. Just this one. Just these two. Ok here’s the deal. if I agree to read all three of these books, then can we stop talking about animals and go play with your robots later? OK, now we’re talking!

….O is for o-o-octopus.


Mad Libs for parents

The other day my wife and I were at the location, when our unflattering adjective child started to action the very expensive and very fragile expensive and very fragile object. I told the kid to rational action, but instead he decided to irrational action, then proceeded to tell us to unspeakable action. In hindsight what I should have done was rational reaction, but instead I irrational yet justified reaction, and as a result the entire location turned to stare at us. The frowning lady with no kids of her own probably thought we were unflattering nouns.