Author Archives: chamclowda

Exerpt from Oliver Twist

“Please, sir, I want some more.”

The master was a fat, healthy man; but he turned very pale. He gazed in stupefied astonishment on the small rebel for some seconds, and then clung for support to the copper. The assistants were paralysed with wonder; the boys with fear.

“What!” said the master at length, in a faint voice.

“Please, sir,” replied Oliver, “I want some more.”

The master aimed a blow at Oliver’s head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arms; and shrieked aloud for the beadle, for he was in a hurry to calculate ways in which to divert his corporation’s newfound tax savings away from his employees and shareholders, back into his own golden parachute.

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Life Hack

Need some uninterrupted privacy to finish some errands around the house? Try setting up your old Halloween decorations right outside your kid’s bedroom while he’s waiting out his latest timeout. If you don’t have any, an audio recording of sinister laughter or growling animals will work just as effectively.


The Mantle of Productivity

I find that if I furrow my brow while typing, I can compose a lengthy blog post without interruption from those who would have me assume the mantle of productivity. Throw in the occasional frustrated sigh and I’m pretty much left enough alone to come up with some seriously flowery, unavailing sentences. And as a jocular bonus, I’m able to fill said sentences with enough ignominious adjectives and protracted noun pre-modifiers to represent my misguided attempt at sounding both intellectual and clever, though astute readers might and will upon closer inspection discover that any machinations fed by my grammatical representations are in truth erroneous and nonsensical. Nevertheless, my thesaurus lookups alone have afforded me nearly fifteen minutes of irresponsible revelry, with the written word.

My only regret is the time stolen from unsuspecting site visitors, who’ve been mistakenly taken in by my pretense of profundity. Such is the price of my personal goal to procrastinate. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…although if you’re reading this then I’m thinking that we might have that in common.


Getting into Trouble

For you fathers looking to add extra spice to your ho-hum existences, here’s some helpful tips on how to add turbulence to your lives:

  1. Volunteer for a business trip, but tell your wife that it’s mandatory. Then post a blog bragging about this where she can easily read it.
  2. Bonus points: Compose this blog while you’re on that actual business trip, preferably while your wife is trying to put the kids to bed in another city.

Getting Rest

For you parents of energetic, restless kids, here’s some helpful tips on how to get your own real R&R:

1. Get an endoscopy. Full anesthesia.
2. Volunteer for a business trip (but tell your wife that it’s mandatory)
3. That’s it. That’s all I got.


The Evolving Pledge

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans, and this is so important to me. (Nov 6, 2016, New York City)

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans, and this is so important to me.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans as long as they’re here legally.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re skilled and here legally.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re skilled and here legally, until I’m able to get rid of DACA.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re skilled rich and here legally, until I’m able to get rid of DACA.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re rich and here legally, until I’m able to get rid of DACA now that I’ve gotten rid of DACA.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re rich and white and here legally, now that I’ve gotten rid of DACA.

I pledge to every rich white citizen of our land that I will be president for rich white Americans as long as they’re rich and white and here legally.

I pledge to every rich white citizen of our land that I will be president for rich white Americans as long as they’re rich and white and here legally to those who align with my self-interests.

I pledge to every rich white citizen of our land who pays me that I will be president to those who align with my self-interests pay me.

I pledge to every rich white citizen who pays me that I will be president to those who pay me while telling me that they love me.

I pledge to every rich white citizen who pays me that I will be president to those who pay me while telling me that they still love me. And this is so important to me.


Core Values

Could a person’s core values be altered by appealing to even deeper core values?

For example, if we were to grab a completely random president of America off of the street and suddenly say to him, “I’d like to redirect all of the funding for your immigrant wall towards replacing confederate memorials…with flattering statues of you,” could that president be convinced to abandon his racism in favor of his vanity?