Wife: Hey you forgot to buy the milk.
Me: No I didn’t.
Wife: There’s ONE carton in the fridge, and it’s completely empty.
Me: Well, that carton was full this morning.
Wife: Soooo you’re suggesting that one of us drank an entire carton of milk in less than three hours?
Me: Or some of us, yes.
Wife: Well it wasn’t me, and you’re lactose intolerant.
Me: Our son isn’t, and he drinks a lot of milk.
Wife: Our toddler son?
Me: Yes. He did it.
Wife: So you’re saying that our toddler son with the strength of a toddler somehow opened our fridge by himself, grabbed the milk from the top shelf, and then proceeded to down an entire quart in one sitting?
Me: He used a ladder.
Real Wife: Stop stop stop. What are you writing? I do NOT remember having this conversation!
Me: Yes we did, last Saturday.
Real Wife: So you’re saying that you went grocery shopping last weekend? You? And was this before or after your 3-hour power nap?
Me: I’m going to say…after.
Real Wife: Hey hombre, sorry to break it to you but you haven’t stepped foot inside a grocery store since last July.
Me: Please don’t call me hombre.
Real Actual Wife: Oh, come on, HOMBRE? And what is this, a Waiting for Godot knockoff?
Me: It both is and it isn’t. The title explains what it isn’t, without denying what it is. And by the way you call me “hombre” whenever I’m sleeping.
Real Actual Wife: Gaslighting? I don’t know what that means.
Me: Oh no yeah neither do I. Just made it up a few minutes ago.
Real Actual Wife: Really. And what if I Google it right now?
Me: Oh no yes no no need, you only need to focus on the alternative facts.
Real Actual Wife: ….what?
Me: Alternative facts.
Real Actual Wife: Alternative facts?
Real Actual Wife: What exactly are you saying about alternative facts?
Me: I’m saying alternative facts are important.
Real Actual Wife: Are you just repeating the words “alternative facts”?
Me: Those were the facts I was given.
Real Actual Wife: What facts? Did you stay up watching Westworld again last night?
Me: I think the more relevant question is, Did I CHOOSE to stay up watching the Gilmore Girls reunion last night? And the answer is maybe.
Conscience: You do realize that you’ve just fabricated an entire conversation that your actual wife had no part of, don’t you?
Me: It’s ok, she’ll approve it.
Conscience: Will she though?
Me: She already did.
Conscience: Did she though?
Conscience: You’re an ass.
Me: Am I though?
The One True Wife: …are you showing this to me right now because you’re genuinely looking for my approval, or is whatever I say next going into one of your posts?
Me: Don’t worry, I won’t put it in.
The One True Wife: Ugh this stuff is making my head hurt. It’s like that Inception movie.
Me: Well you know what they say, that behind every confusing thought is an opportunity to make money.
The One True Wife: Is that another one of your stupid quotes?
Me: No, that was Ben Franklin.
The One True Wife: Hey what…are you doing something weird again? What’s that behind your back?
Me: It’s a knife.
The One True Wife: No, that’s your phone! You’re recording this, aren’t you?
Me: Well if by recording you mean recording in the strictest sense of the word recording, and not in the most lackadaisical –
The One True Wife: – forget it let’s just go get you that new Playstation.