Annoying parent’s guide to socializing

To be annoying To be very annoying
Couple that wants kids You should enjoy travel+sleep+hobbies+eating out while you still can. Are you sure you want kids? It’s a lot of work.
Couple that doesn’t want kids Does this dip have any ingredients? My kid’s sensitive. Are you sure you don’t want kids? You’re missing out.
Couple with pregnant female spouse You should enjoy travel+sleep+hobbies+eating out out while you still can. Oh and can I put my hands on your belly? Studies show that whatever it is you’re doing right now can cause your kid to develop something really terrible. Now go ahead and flip your shirt up, I need to rub your unborn fetus. For luck.
Couple with pregnant male spouse How are you planning on giving birth? C-section? How are you planning on giving birth? P-hole incision?
Couple with 1 kid When are you going to have 2? Studies show that only children are most likely to become serial murderers.
Couple with 2 kids Lol when are you going to have 3 lol? You should stop having kids.
Couple with 3 kids Lol when are you going to have more lol? You know, studies show that the middle children are most likely to become serial murderers.
Couple with 4+ kids Please tell this one to stop hugging my leg. Please tell this one to stop humping my leg….and you need to stop having kids.
Couple with pet Would you mind leaving your pet outside? My kid’s sensitive. I know you didn’t bring this up, but I just wanted to say that having a pet is waaaaay less responsibility than having a kid.
Single male …sorry I think someone’s calling me, from over there. …you know you’re wasting your life with all your “regular exercise” and “eating healthy” and “pursuing hobbies” and “traveling” and “restful sleep” and “unbridled happiness”…you idiot.
Single female Want to babysit my kid(s) for practice? You know, you don’t always need a dude to have kids. Wasn’t there a movie about that?
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