Unfair Pseudocode

IF something is fair THEN enjoy it

ELSE IF something is unfair THEN

IF you can take immediate action to correct it THEN take immediate action to correct it

ELSE IF you can take longer term actions to prevent it from happening again THEN take longer term actions to prevent it from happening again

ELSE IF you can console yourself with something else that’s fair THEN console yourself with something else that’s fair

ELSE sleep it off

Advertisements

Fan Mail revisited

That’s ok, I’ll just make up something.

Dear Philip:
   As an aspiring writer who’s been getting some minor work published, but who hasn’t yet published something memorable enough that’ll prevent you from getting left behind as an undetectable blip in human history, how do you handle your fears of getting left behind as an undetectable blip in human history?

Sincerely,
Just Wondering

 

Dear Just Wondering:
Write a delusional blog to some imaginary fans, and then go find out why that almond croissant is still sitting downstairs.


Fan Mail

Today I’ve decided to dedicate my sweet words to you, my adoring readers, by answering some of your most burning questions. So let’s get started, shall we?

You have no new messages.

#$%^!


I’m Amazing

“Arrogance is the roadblock to transparency.” My brilliant mind just came up with that, but you don’t need to know why.


Creepy Dad

Tonight it is perfectly acceptable to sit in the corner of a bedroom to creepily stare at your sleeping child, but only if he/she:

• is a baby.
• is sick.
• told you “I love you” for the first time today.
• was the last kid to be picked up from school today.
• told you “I hate you” for the first time today.
• was bullied by another kid without realizing it, right in front of you.
• listened sadly while you yelled at him/her a little more than you probably needed to.
• was bullied by another kid, and suddenly realized it for the first time.
• watched a scary movie without your permission.
• is back home for the first time since leaving for college.
• lives in the same scary world that you’ve been reading about in the day’s news.
• pointed out something beautiful in your day-to-day surroundings today, that you yourself hadn’t noticed since you were that same age.


Purses

Year 1: Yes muffin of course I’ll hold your purse! I love you. Hahaha doesn’t that elevator music sound like its lyrics should be “love love love love love?”

Year 2: Am I confident enough in my masculinity to hold your purse for you? I suppose so. Feeling a little manipulated here, but let’s set aside two to three hours tonight to discuss that in depth, like productive intellectuals.

Year 3: No I’m not holding your purse. No no no no no I’ll be at Brookstone.

Year 4: Look my love I got you this wonderful purse for your birthday. Well, yes I suppose that to some this could be considered an unusually darker shade of gray, but…yes I realize that this color might not be the fashionista’s top pick for 20-whatever year we’re in, but…yes I suppose that I should understand that Goth subculture has undergone significant shifts which might make it supremely unappealing to the average non-conformist, but…no I don’t think it’s really a bookbag, and further more…no I didn’t get it from Brookstone, and further more…yes there’s a gift receipt.

Year 5: Sure I’ll hold it…for a Cinnabon.

Year no clue: Hey is my phone in your purse? Cool. What about my wallet and my keys and my Cinnabon? Cool.

Year no clue + 1: Here let me hold your purse for a minute. Oh by the way your son needs a diaper change.


Passive aggressive holiday insults for readers who will read just about ANYTHING

1. Looks like one of Santa’s elves was a little tipsy when he wrapped this present.

2. “It’s a Wonderful Life” is this classic holiday movie about what would happen if a daddy weren’t around, except it’s got kind of a sad ending. Burn.

3. Looks like one of Santa’s reindeer tried to use our toilet last night…and missed.

4. Hey look this year’s daddy’s hair is going to give us the white Christmas we’ve always wanted. Burn x2.

5. Hey Rudolph I bet Santa would’ve wanted to run that yellow.

Happy holidays anyways!