Daniel Tiger fanboy

Just wanted to mention how much I’ve appreciate all of the invaluable social and problem-solving lessons that Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood has brought into our modest household. Lessons like (cue music):

1. When your kid won’t stop yelling, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
2. When your kid won’t eat veggies, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
3. When your kid says he loves you, then let’s watch Daniel Tiger!
4. When your kid says he hates you, then let’s stop watching Daniel Tiger!
5. When your kid wakes you up at 6:00 AM, then let’s make believe we’re still asleep!


Cheers, an original sitcom

Setting: A bar in Boston

Cast:

• Bill Malone – Owner and bartender of Cheers. Laid back and notorious for smooth-talking women. But deep down, his kind and generous heart makes him tremendously loyal to both his friends and his bar.

• Hilary Chambers – Sophisticated, upper-class academic with an on/off relationship with Bill Malone. Has initial difficulty identifying herself with her bar patrons due to her somewhat snobbish personality. Leaves the bar scene to pursue other interests, but not before her tremendous heart affords her a terrific fresh perspective on life.

• George “Coach” Pantusso – A slightly senile co-bartender, easily deceived and let into undesirable situations, which often put the bar at stake. But deep down, his tremendous heart endears him to his friends, and his terrific love for the bar can only be described as amazing.

• Ronald Peterson – A bar regular, popular and always ready to engage difficult situations with a perfectly timed quip. His tremendous, terrific heart makes him so classy and amazing that everyone yells his first name whenever he enters the room.

• Jimmy Clavin – Often ridiculed for his honest yet unwelcome observations, this know-it-all bar regular is often found reciting facts that nobody wants to hear. Though fellow bar patrons will never admit it his bigly, beautiful nature makes him a classy and tremendously amazing member of their terrific inner circle.

• Barack Crane – The bar’s resident psychiatrist with a soothing voice and an analytical mind, he is the calm, ever-present voice of reason that his friends rely on for guidance. But though his fantastic, tremendously terrific advice might sometimes lead to bigly shenanigans, beautiful and amazing people still love him for his classy heart.

• George W Boyd – Somewhat clueless bartender with close ties to Coach, his predecessor. Often misunderstands conversations in the room, but has good intentions overall. Similar to his beautiful, classy predecessor, possesses a tremendous, bigly heart that is fantastically reflected in his amazing, terrific faith in friends.

• Donald Colcord – Multi-millionaire industrialist, plotting a hostile takeover of the company which owns the bar.

• Ivanka Howe – Strong and independent. Has an initial relationship with Donald Colcord, but in light of Donald Colcord’s eventual arrest and prison sentence, realizes that she’s in actually love with an American plumber. Discovers an amazing willingness to reach hugely across class divides in a tremendous way, to give her fantastic, bigly heart to a classy lower-income American, thereby proving that she’s a tremendous member of the beautiful, terrific Cheers family.


Wall budget

Can we all agree that $2 billion just isn’t enough to build a truly effective wall, considering the extraneous expenses? Here’s possibly a better breakdown of what’s needed:

  • $5 billion for wall construction
  • $2 billion for moat construction
  • $1 billion for longbow archers recruitment + training
  • $500 million for research into hot pitch defense technology
  • $500 million for research into catapult counter-measures
  • $500 million for secret underground dungeons sustainable organic vegetable gardens
  • $100 million for Trump tower remodel discretionary spending

Gaslighting

Wife: Hey you forgot to buy the milk.
Me: No I didn’t.
Wife: There’s ONE carton in the fridge, and it’s completely empty.
Me: Well, that carton was full this morning.
Wife: Soooo you’re suggesting that one of us drank an entire carton of milk in less than three hours?
Me: Or some of us, yes.
Wife: Well it wasn’t me, and you’re lactose intolerant.
Me: Our son isn’t, and he drinks a lot of milk.
Wife: Our toddler son?
Me: Yes. He did it.
Wife: So you’re saying that our toddler son with the strength of a toddler somehow opened our fridge by himself, grabbed the milk from the top shelf, and then proceeded to down an entire quart in one sitting?
Me: He used a ladder.

Real Wife: Stop stop stop. What are you writing? I do NOT remember having this conversation!
Me: Yes we did, last Saturday.
Real Wife: So you’re saying that you went grocery shopping last weekend? You? And was this before or after your 3-hour power nap?
Me: I’m going to say…after.
Real Wife: Hey hombre, sorry to break it to you but you haven’t stepped foot inside a grocery store since last July. 
Me: Please don’t call me hombre.

Real Actual Wife: Oh, come on, HOMBRE? And what is this, a Waiting for Godot knockoff?
Me: It both is and it isn’t. The title explains what it isn’t, without denying what it is. And by the way you call me “hombre” whenever I’m sleeping.
Real Actual Wife: Gaslighting? I don’t know what that means.
Me: Oh no yeah neither do I. Just made it up a few minutes ago.
Real Actual Wife: Really. And what if I Google it right now?
Me: Oh no yes no no need, you only need to focus on the alternative facts.
Real Actual Wife: ….what?
Me: Alternative facts.
Real Actual Wife: Alternative facts?
Me: Yes.
Real Actual Wife: What exactly are you saying about alternative facts?
Me: I’m saying alternative facts are important. 
Real Actual Wife: Are you just repeating the words “alternative facts”?
Me: Those were the facts I was given.
Real Actual Wife: What facts? Did you stay up watching Westworld again last night?
Me: I think the more relevant question is, Did I CHOOSE to stay up watching the Gilmore Girls reunion last night? And the answer is maybe.

Conscience: You do realize that you’ve just fabricated an entire conversation that your actual wife had no part of, don’t you?
Me: It’s ok, she’ll approve it.
Conscience: Will she though?
Me: She already did.
Conscience: Did she though?
Me: Probably.
Conscience: You’re an ass.
Me: Am I though?
The One True Wife: …are you showing this to me right now because you’re genuinely looking for my approval, or is whatever I say next going into one of your posts?
Me: Don’t worry, I won’t put it in.
The One True Wife: Ugh this stuff is making my head hurt. It’s like that Inception movie.
Me: Well you know what they say, that behind every confusing thought is an opportunity to make money.
The One True Wife: Is that another one of your stupid quotes?
Me: No, that was Ben Franklin.
The One True Wife: Hey what…are you doing something weird again? What’s that behind your back?
Me: It’s a knife.
The One True Wife: No, that’s your phone! You’re recording this, aren’t you?
Me: Well if by recording you mean recording in the strictest sense of the word recording, and not in the most lackadaisical –
The One True Wife: – forget it let’s just go get you that new Playstation.
Me: Yes.

Blammo!

If I were a newly minted commander-in-chief who’d just had my hand slapped after attempting to impose a controversial travel ban upon a nation founded (and largely maintained) by immigrants, I’d likely opt for a somewhat sneakier approach in my second go-around. Here’s what my blueprint would look like:

STEP 1: Pick an ethnic group that’s stereotypically the least likely to organize protests against my actions. We’ll call this Group A.
STEP 2: Impose a “voluntary” request for personal information (e.g. a social media handle), targeted only towards Group A members, with reassurances of no negative consequences should a Group A individual decline my request for information.
STEP 3: After a soak period, impose the exact same request on Group B (i.e. ethnic groups from countries that don’t support my business interests), citing Group A as precedent.
STEP 4: Start to impose negative consequences if individuals decline my requests, for Group A only.
STEP 5: Start to impose negative consequences if individuals decline my requests, for Group B. There’s precedent.
STEP 6: Enjoy a weekend of golf at my favorite retreat.
STEP 7: Strike all references to “voluntary” from the rules, for Group A only.
STEP 8: Strike all references to “voluntary” from the rules, for Group B. There’s precedent.
STEP 9: Very publicly come to the personal realization that it’s ethically inappropriate to target specific groups for discrimination. Publicly expand the rule to the general populace. Mark this as a public holiday celebrating my accomplishment. No. Celebrating me. And only me. In fact, I’ll have to introduce a specific law that prevents anyone and anything from sharing this tremendous holiday, in perpetuity.
STEP 10: Very privately grant special exceptions to the top 2%, whomever supports my business interests and donates generously to my 2020 campaign.
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…………….wait for it……………
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……………………… Blammo!


Obsession

A is for a-a-apple! Oh ok, a-a-animal.

B is for b-b-banana! Ok right, b-b-bbear.

C is for c-c-candy! No? C-c-cars? …how about c-c-cats? Ok.

D is for d-d-daddy wants to stop talking about animals today, buddy. Can we stop talking about animals? Fine. D-d-dog.

E is for e-e-ever think about playing with those toy robots we got you? No? Sure sure, e-e-eelephants.

F is for f-f-flutes that make beautiful, breathtaking music. Want to hear some engaging flute music? No, we’re not watching that flamingo video again. Please stop whining.

G is for g-g-giraffe. Sigh.

H is for h-h-hippo. Happy?

I is for i-i-ice cream. Want to go get some ice cream? Sure we can go get some ice cream, and maybe talk about…no you can’t bring your stuffed iguana, it’ll get dirty. No then. No. No. Please stop whining.

J is for j-j-jaguars would jump off a bridge if they heard you talk about animals as much as I do, buddy. Uh…yeah to swim with dolphins, sure.

K is for k-k-kites. Want to go fly a kite? No? What if I tied a kitten to it? Yeah, I figured. No we’re not doing that, I was k-k-kidding.

L is for l-l-llama. Yes, I know you know about llamas. Please don’t spit on the carpet, son.

M is for m-m-momma hey momma I think our adorable son wants to recite the alphabet with you momma momma are you sure need to run errands hey momma are you sure we need groceries today wait momma I really don’t mind going to get those groceries – and she’s gone. No I don’t know why she was running, buddy. M-m-monkeys.

N is for n-n-nope. Nope that’s it, I’m done. I’m on strike. Yes, daddy’s on strike. Strike means I’m not going to do something anymore. Because I’m tired. That’s right, no more talking about animals. Strike means strike. Yes exactly, like your “Animal Strike at the Zoo” book. Where is it? It’s over there, under your book about animals in the mitten. No that’s your lion roar counting book. No that’s “Polar bear polar bear what do you hear”. No that’s your stuffed shark, here let me show you. No no wait, I didn’t agree to read it. Please, no. Please, no I was just showing…please stop whining. Ok ok, just once. Please. Just this one. Just these two. Ok here’s the deal. if I agree to read all three of these books, then can we stop talking about animals and go play with your robots later? OK, now we’re talking!

….O is for o-o-octopus.


Captain Planet Rebooted

“Harharhar, nobody will notice us dumping coal into our rivers, if we give them an Arnold video!”

“Nyuk nyuk nyuk, nobody will see us drilling for oil in national parks, if they’re busy complaining about our fabricated terrorist attack!”

“Teehee, nobody’ll notice that we’re disbanding the EPA, if they’re too busy watching the Superbowl!”

Opening narration: Our world is in peril. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet. She gives five magic rings to five special people. From Science, nuclear physicist Taylor Wilson with the power of earth. From Government, Senator Bernard Sanders with the power of fire. From Technology, maaaaaaybe Elon Musk with the power of wind (we’ll see). From the National Park Service, NPS rangers with the power of water and from Hollywood, actress Meryl Streep with the power of heart. With the five powers combined they summon earth’s greatest champion – CAPTAIN PLANET!

Taylor, Bernie, Elon, Ranger Rick, Meryl: Go, Planet!

Captain Planet: …the power is yours?