How to sound smart without being “intelligent”

(composed by a douchebag)

I’ll tell you exactly how to do this, without being too transparent. The reason for this is because I always like to set some context while avoiding the needless restrictions tied to that word “planning”. And hopefully, with my help, you’ll find an instant epiphany which embarks you upon on a lifetime journey of epiphanies.

You see the key is to communicate your value while remaining humble. To project confidence without arrogance. I call it winning by losing. A famous philosopher asks you to find your truth by giving up your search? I agree to disagree, but I also agree. I often find myself giving up power to gain influence, because the act in itself is empowering. It’s about making noise with silence. Some would argue that an argument in itself is already an indication that both sides have lost, whereas others would contend “No, not at all! Both have won!”. If those statements in themselves were the argument, and if I were to be forced to resonate with one side, I would indeed pick a side and that side…would be neither side. And hate it or love it, your reaction would only validate that reactions don’t matter, not here.

Understanding this crucial point will prove that you haven’t even began to understand, which is likely both disheartening and enlightening. But if practiced correctly, then from now on you too can participate in conversations without saying anything of substance…because your substance will speak for itself. Welcome friend, to the end of your beginning.

Who Need Mothers?

To raise a kid all you really need is one dude, to trade shifts with you whenever things get crazy. So just two dudes, plus one more to make enough money to fund the endeavor. So three dudes unless your overall cost of living exceeds the income of your lone investor, in which case you’ll need one more source of income. So, four. Four per kid, which comes out to eight per two kids, unless those kids look to be turning into miscreants. Then you’ll want to add a strict singing nanny, and probably some lawyers. If you need your kids to be fed, then throw in an extra personal chef.

So the point is that in order to raise two tolerable children, you’ll need maybe twelve people minimum. Plus patience and love and a bunch of practical stuff that nobody ever worries about until it’s too late. Like underwear or summer school. You’d need a couple of personal assistants for that.

Also, childbirth. So if you happen to stumble across someone special enough to willingly cover most to all of these responsibilities, and that person happens to be multi-tasking like crazy right now as you’re writing a blog post, then you better power down your laptop and go help her! Crap.

Holiday Music in the Winter

Rudolph, the red-nose cough cough cough cough achoo achoo who sneezed cough cough mommy I have snot achoo waaaaa go get a tissue cough where’s your water bottle cough drink some water you fool achoo cough achoo in your face and then on our dinner cough cough wait who waaaaa stop whining mommy can you achoo hold on build legos cough cough with cough cough me achoo waaaaa stop whining cough cough and quit wiping snot on everything! Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough! Cough! Achoo! Achoo cough cough achoo s@$t are we out of tissues cough achoo maybe cough maybe it’s allergies cough cough achoo achoo stop sneezing on your brother! Cough achoo achoo where’s your mask achoo achoo waaaa where’s your pants achoo cough why did you take them off cough cough ACHOO oh no daddy not you too achoo cough cough mommy cough mommy cough mommy what does “s@$t” mean?

Fun Facts!

Fun Fact #1 – In 2017, between 11-12% of leisurely travel was made by families of household income between $35,000 and $50,000. The sample size for this survey was 100,756.

Fun Fact #2 – The late 17th century origin of the word comes from a dialect variant of late Middle English. It is often compared with the word “fond”.

Fun. Fact #3 – The recording of “Aim and Ignite” took place in 2008, followed by a release on August 25, 2009. It garnered positive reviews.

Fun Fact Fact #1 – Any fact that you find on the Internet need to be properly acknowledged, regardless of the nature of the original source. Basic information on how to acknowledge internet sources can be found in the American Psychological Association (APA) reference style.

Fun Fact Fact #2 – A number of these were collected in a 1973 book, though it’s true origin could be traced back to as early as 1850, when a newspaper column titled “Fun, Fact, and Fancy” was published.

Fun Opinion #1 – I think yachting has a lot to offer.

Boredom Fact #1 – A study in 2009 found that participants who reported feeling “a great deal” bored in a survey from 30 years earlier were 37% more likely to have died by 2009, than those who had said they were not bored in that same survey.

Boredom Opinion #1 – I don’t think yachting has a lot to offer.

Worthless Polling

Chaos Theory

If I were a, uh, famous Hollywood actor, and yet also a genius, then uh, yes. Yes, I would hack into blog sites and post flattering things such as, “Jeff Goldblum. The, uh, truffle of the acting community. Sprinkle him onto a movie and, uh, there you have it. Gourmet movie.”

People I’ve never met and coincidentally resent

1. Person washing dishes at our workplace’s only sink while I’m waiting to dump out the water from my thermos.
2. Burglar who broke into my home last week while I slept, grabbed my phone from where I told everyone I’d left it, then dropped between some couch cushions on his way out.
3. UPN employee who threw away my letter(s) in 1996 explaining why their immensely popular show “Nowhere Man” should not be canceled.
4. ABC employee who threw away my letter(s) in 2005 explaining why the third season cast of Lost should include actor Bruce Greenwood, with crossover tie-ins to the unresolved plot of an old show called “Nowhere Man”.
5. NBC employee who threw away my letter(s) in 2018 explaining why the next season’s cast of This is Us should include actor Bruce Greenwood as a new character, photojournalist Thomas Veil, who arrives Jack’s doorstep claiming that Rebecca’s his real wife. Then a couple of episodes could be dedicated to Thomas’s investigation into a potential government conspiracy, as the rest of the Pearson family deals with their own important situations.
6. B22 who’s willfully ignoring the fact that he’s standing in B1-B5 as I’m waiting to board my flight as B7.
7. Everybody working out in my workout video.

Operation Vanity

Phase 1 – Fill up president with enough burgers and fried chicken to expand his face. (in progress)

Phase 2 – Offer the president a spot on Mount Rushmore, in exchange for a resignation letter.

Phase 3 – Wait a few years, then chisel a slimmer former president’s face out of the original.

Laundry Quandary

When someone asks you to “put the laundry in the laundry”, he/she is asking you to:

A. Take the dirty clothes out of the laundry basket, and put them in the washing machine.
B. Take the dry clean clothes out of the dryer, and put them into the laundry basket.
C. Pick the dirty clothes up off of the floor, and put them into the laundry basket.
D. Stare blankly until she rolls her eyes and does it herself.
E. Do something with your hard-earned drug money.

An insult…

…gift-wrapped alongside a compliment for my wife…

…delivered by our two-year-old son…

…while staring at a photograph of my wife and I…

…from maybe 15 years ago…

…as he says “That’s mommy!”, and then…

…“who’s he?”