Operation Vanity

Phase 1 – Fill up president with enough burgers and fried chicken to expand his face. (in progress)

Phase 2 – Offer the president a spot on Mount Rushmore, in exchange for a resignation letter.

Phase 3 – Wait a few years, then chisel a slimmer former president’s face out of the original.

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Laundry Quandary

When someone asks you to “put the laundry in the laundry”, he/she is asking you to:

A. Take the dirty clothes out of the laundry basket, and put them in the washing machine.
B. Take the dry clean clothes out of the dryer, and put them into the laundry basket.
C. Pick the dirty clothes up off of the floor, and put them into the laundry basket.
D. Stare blankly until she rolls her eyes and does it herself.
E. Do something with your hard-earned drug money.


An insult…

…gift-wrapped alongside a compliment for my wife…

…delivered by our two-year-old son…

…while staring at a photograph of my wife and I…

…from maybe 15 years ago…

…as he says “That’s mommy!”, and then…

…“who’s he?”


To New Endeavors

After completely succeeding in an wildly lucrative career of whatever it is I think I do for a living, I’ve finally decided to pursue my one and only true passion – singing/songwriting. More specifically, singing/songwriting contemporary holiday music that’s doesn’t quite fit conventional molds of the pretentious drivel you listen to in shopping malls. Here’s just a small taste of the originality that I’ll be bringing to this artistic genre (note that I’ve purposefully left in my prior edits so that you might experience the progressive mind of true lyrical genius):

In Bethlehem New York
Holy city Concrete jungle where snowflakes dreams tumble down are made of gingerbread of
There’s a cozy fireplace waiting twinking hope in the skies nothing nothin’ to fear to stop you from chasin’ you can’t do
Walkin’ through West Village, now Now you’re in Times Square Chinatown The Big New York
These streets will fill you with cheer hope love make you love feel like a natural man brand spankin’ new
The coffee Big Apple lights will quench excite inspire Santa you
Let’s sing a song for be merry and drink plagiarize hear it for the East Coast New York, and the West Coast, New York, and Christmas time, New York


Car Talk

Son: Papa, can we take a picture with Santa this year?

Papa: Sure, son!

Son: Where?

Papa: At the mall.

Son: Which mall?

Papa: Any mall. (crap)

Son: But, how can Santa go to thousands of malls?

Papa: Oh, that’s a good question.

Son: …

Papa: …

Son: …

Papa: (cough) Ok Google, Play Moana song on YouTube.

Son: Papa. Papa? Papa, will Santa be able to see in the dark with his reindeer?

Papa: Yes of course, he’s got Rudolph!

Son: No, but I mean will he have a red thing to see?

Papa: You mean Rudolph’s shiny red nose, right?

Son: No but Rudolph is just a story, what does the real Santa do?

Papa: Oh ho ho. Ha. Good question. Well, I’m sure he has a headlight or flashlight or something.

Son: Really? But –

Papa: – Hey maybe you can ask Santa when you take a picture with him at the mall!

Son: Um…ok but –

Papa: – and you know what else Santa will ask whether you’ve been good and what presents you want for Christmas!

Son: Ooh OK!


Blame

“Hey is today Tuesday or Wednesday?”

“Today’s Monday.”

“I hate you.”


Volatility Index

If (C + B + A + D > 12) then X else Y

Variable A
teal = 1
green = 1
whichever color you think it is = 0

Variable B
our couch is = 1
your outfit is = 5
that truffle gouda you’ve been saving for tonight is = 9

Variable C
It is an absolute fact that = 5
It is my opinion that = 3
It is my humble opinion that = 2

Variable D
…and I’m usually right. = 8
…but I’m willing to consider other viewpoints. = 3
…but I’m usually wrong. = -1

X = I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.
Y = I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.