Getting into Trouble

For you fathers looking to add extra spice to your ho-hum existences, here’s some helpful tips on how to add turbulence to your lives:

  1. Volunteer for a business trip, but tell your wife that it’s mandatory. Then post a blog bragging about this where she can easily read it.
  2. Bonus points: Compose this blog while you’re on that actual business trip, preferably while your wife is trying to put the kids to bed in another city.
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Getting Rest

For you parents of energetic, restless kids, here’s some helpful tips on how to get your own real R&R:

1. Get an endoscopy. Full anesthesia.
2. Volunteer for a business trip (but tell your wife that it’s mandatory)
3. That’s it. That’s all I got.


The Evolving Pledge

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans, and this is so important to me. (Nov 6, 2016, New York City)

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans, and this is so important to me.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans as long as they’re here legally.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re skilled and here legally.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re skilled and here legally, until I’m able to get rid of DACA.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re skilled rich and here legally, until I’m able to get rid of DACA.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re rich and here legally, until I’m able to get rid of DACA now that I’ve gotten rid of DACA.

I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for Americans as long as they’re rich and white and here legally, now that I’ve gotten rid of DACA.

I pledge to every rich white citizen of our land that I will be president for rich white Americans as long as they’re rich and white and here legally.

I pledge to every rich white citizen of our land that I will be president for rich white Americans as long as they’re rich and white and here legally to those who align with my self-interests.

I pledge to every rich white citizen of our land who pays me that I will be president to those who align with my self-interests pay me.

I pledge to every rich white citizen who pays me that I will be president to those who pay me while telling me that they love me.

I pledge to every rich white citizen who pays me that I will be president to those who pay me while telling me that they still love me. And this is so important to me.


Core Values

Could a person’s core values be altered by appealing to even deeper core values?

For example, if we were to grab a completely random president of America off of the street and suddenly say to him, “I’d like to redirect all of the funding for your immigrant wall towards replacing confederate memorials…with flattering statues of you,” could that president be convinced to abandon his racism in favor of his vanity?


We see what we want

Today’s CNN headline: “Little to stop Trump from bombing North Korea”

So my first thought was “Who is this General Little and is he courageous enough to stand up against our Commander in Chief’s unstable shenanigans?”

And then it hit me like a gut punch.


R&R

Tonight, at precisely 9:46 PM, I found myself putzing aimlessly around the house while asking myself “What do I have to do now? Right now what do I have to do which needs to be done?”

Kids were asleep, toy were picked up, bills were paid…and for the first time in a long time, I suddenly realized that the answer was to simply to RELAAAAAAAAAAAAA…x

So I poured myself a glass of scotch, found the remote, sat back on the couch, put down my glass, and went back upstairs to console my crying son. Something about mean elephants.


Legal Nonsense

I’m no lawyer, but should the lawyers of the lawyers of our esteemed president start thinking about retaining their own personal lawyers, in the event that this president suddenly decide to accuse said lawyers’ lawyers of nefarious political machinations while representing the lawyers representing the interests of our esteemed president, during this coming December’s impeachment proceedings?