If I were a, uh, famous Hollywood actor, and yet also a genius, then uh, yes. Yes, I would hack into blog sites and post flattering things such as, “Jeff Goldblum. The, uh, truffle of the acting community. Sprinkle him onto a movie and, uh, there you have it. Gourmet movie.”
1. Person washing dishes at our workplace’s only sink while I’m waiting to dump out the water from my thermos.
2. Burglar who broke into my home last week while I slept, grabbed my phone from where I told everyone I’d left it, then dropped between some couch cushions on his way out.
3. UPN employee who threw away my letter(s) in 1996 explaining why their immensely popular show “Nowhere Man” should not be canceled.
4. ABC employee who threw away my letter(s) in 2005 explaining why the third season cast of Lost should include actor Bruce Greenwood, with crossover tie-ins to the unresolved plot of an old show called “Nowhere Man”.
5. NBC employee who threw away my letter(s) in 2018 explaining why the next season’s cast of This is Us should include actor Bruce Greenwood as a new character, photojournalist Thomas Veil, who arrives Jack’s doorstep claiming that Rebecca’s his real wife. Then a couple of episodes could be dedicated to Thomas’s investigation into a potential government conspiracy, as the rest of the Pearson family deals with their own important situations.
6. B22 who’s willfully ignoring the fact that he’s standing in B1-B5 as I’m waiting to board my flight as B7.
7. Everybody working out in my workout video.
Phase 1 – Fill up president with enough burgers and fried chicken to expand his face. (in progress)
Phase 2 – Offer the president a spot on Mount Rushmore, in exchange for a resignation letter.
Phase 3 – Wait a few years, then chisel a slimmer former president’s face out of the original.
When someone asks you to “put the laundry in the laundry”, he/she is asking you to:
A. Take the dirty clothes out of the laundry basket, and put them in the washing machine.
B. Take the dry clean clothes out of the dryer, and put them into the laundry basket.
C. Pick the dirty clothes up off of the floor, and put them into the laundry basket.
D. Stare blankly until she rolls her eyes and does it herself.
E. Do something with your hard-earned drug money.
…gift-wrapped alongside a compliment for my wife…
…delivered by our two-year-old son…
…while staring at a photograph of my wife and I…
…from maybe 15 years ago…
…as he says “That’s mommy!”, and then…
After completely succeeding in an wildly lucrative career of whatever it is I think I do for a living, I’ve finally decided to pursue my one and only true passion – singing/songwriting. More specifically, singing/songwriting contemporary holiday music that’s doesn’t quite fit conventional molds of the pretentious drivel you listen to in shopping malls. Here’s just a small taste of the originality that I’ll be bringing to this artistic genre (note that I’ve purposefully left in my prior edits so that you might experience the progressive mind of true lyrical genius):
Bethlehem New York
Holy city Concrete jungle where snowflakes dreams tumble down are made of gingerbread of
a cozy fireplace waiting twinking hope in the skies nothing nothin’ to fear to stop you from chasin’ you can’t do
Walkin’ through West Village, now Now you’re in Times Square Chinatown The Big New York
These streets will
fill you with cheer hope love make you love feel like a natural man brand spankin’ new
The coffee Big Apple lights will quench excite inspire Santa you
sing a song for be merry and drink plagiarize hear it for the East Coast New York, and the West Coast, New York, and Christmas time, New York