Laundry Day

Scenario 1

Papa: Kids, can you go fold your laundry?

Olivia: I’m already done, papa!

Julia: Me too, papa!

Scenario 2

Papa: Kids, can you go fold your laundry?

Oliver & Julian: Okaaaaaay!

Oliver: Quick quick, let’s go!

<flip cartwheel flip>

Julian: Yeah, let’s go! Quick!

<cartwheel flip cartwheel>

Julian: Oh no, watch out for the traps!

Oliver: Hurry, duck!

Julian: Hi-ya! Sir! I have the shirt!

Oliver: To our secret lair!

Julian: Watch out for the hot lava!

<flip flip cartwheel flip jump>

Papa: Are you guys folding yet?

Oliver & Julian: Yeeeeaah!

Julian: Quick, pretend the bad guys are attacking!

Oliver: Pew pew! Sir! Our security system is down!

<flip cartwheel>

Julian: Pew pew! Oh no they have cannons!

<cartwheel spin jump>

Oliver: Watch out! They have a secret lab with lasers!

Julian: Ping ping! It’s blocked by my shirt armor! Hurry Ollie, grab some socks!

Oliver: Hi-ya! Pft-chaw! Don’t worry I have my laser whip pants!

Julian: Pew pew! Repulser blast! Ha ha, the Joker is defeated!

Oliver: Oh no but here comes Two-face and the Riddler! Hi-ya pew pew pft-chaw!

<flip flip cartwheel jump flip spin kick spin flip cartwheel flip kick jump>

Mama: Kids! It’s been thirty minutes! Are you almost done folding?

Oliver & Julian: Nooooo!

Mama: Well, how many have you folded?

Oliver & Julian: Ooooone!

Good Times

  • Kid Tantrum Index = (# of toys + junk food + TV minutes requested) * hwk remaining / (# of toys + junk food + TV minutes negotiated)
  • Mom Tantrum Index = (Pitch of Kid Tantrum Index * Volume of Kid Tantrum Index * Duration of Kid Tantrum Index) ^ (# of kids + # of tantrums already thrown) / # of public witnesses
  • Dad Tantrum Index = Distance to noise-cancelling headphones / # of beers consumed

Cognitive Bias

I don’t really know anything about these types of things, but if the Dunning-Kruger effect causes dumb people to think they’re smart, and smart people to think they’re dumb, then is there a sort of reverse effect that happens when they first learn about it?

My 2022 New Year’s Resolutions List

  1. Make my 2022 New Year’s Resolutions list impossible to complete.

Top 10 Reasons to Stay in School

  • Its all about making money. Smart people are statistically more likely to make more money.
  • Expands your world view and allowing you to make smarter points, instead of repeating the same unsmart thing over and over and over. Bigger words make you sound important.
  • Stay on topic. Organize your thoughts. When you organize your thoughts, than your better able to make good points and to make more money, with your smarts.
  • Use your smarts from communication learning to be clearer than what you’re trying to say to me, don’t waste the time to put in the effort, because the better for when your points are spoken, and the more frequently points to more money.
  • Never repeat your points. Use your money and your smarts, and your money made from your smarts to come up with new ideas. Instead of to focusing on that idea which makes you smarter, focus on that which will make them clear as day. Because clear speaking allows you to navigate your points better, make them less confusing, and then to making sense to what you’re trying to communicate and write, without wasting everyone’s time.
  • Know facts.

This Bananas Year

It’s just so infuriating that the price of Ecuadorian bananas has increased by so much, just because bad weather triggered a decline in Honduran production!

At first I was furious, but then you know what? Turns out I have no control over what’s happening with fruit this year. I can only control how I act and react to what’s happening in front of me.

I can yell at my banana for over-ripening and then go cry in the car, or I can peel an orange.
I can scream at my kids for whining about their banana bruises, or I can mush it into their bowl and then scream at them to eat it.
I can screech at my bananas for not wearing masks, or I can put on their masks for them. Bananas don’t have hands, which is why they can’t put it on themselves.

The Mommy Hugging Game

  • 1 second hug: 1 point
  • 3 second hug: 3 points
  • 5 second hug: 5 points
  • 5 second hug followed by extra squeeze: 6 points
  • 5 second hug followed by peck on the cheek: 6 points
  • 5 second hug followed by declaration of affection: 8 points
  • 5 second hug followed by request for television/video games: 0 points
  • 5 second hug followed by cough/sneeze into mouth: 0 points
  • 5 second hug after a good day: 8 points
  • 5 second hug after a bad day: 10 points
  • 5 second hug followed by “I’m not really playing, I’m just hugging you because you’re the best.”: 10 points
  • 5 second hug followed by “I’m not really playing, I’m just hugging you because you’re the best…so that’s 10 points?”: 0 points
  • 5 second hug followed by a quick checkup because you’re a successful doctor: 20 points

How to sound smart without being “intelligent”

(composed by a douchebag)

I’ll tell you exactly how to do this, without being too transparent. The reason for this is because I always like to set some context while avoiding the needless restrictions tied to that word “planning”. And hopefully, with my help, you’ll find an instant epiphany which embarks you upon on a lifetime journey of epiphanies.

You see the key is to communicate your value while remaining humble. To project confidence without arrogance. I call it winning by losing. A famous philosopher asks you to find your truth by giving up your search? I agree to disagree, but I also agree. I often find myself giving up power to gain influence, because the act in itself is empowering. It’s about making noise with silence. Some would argue that an argument in itself is already an indication that both sides have lost, whereas others would contend “No, not at all! Both have won!”. If those statements in themselves were the argument, and if I were to be forced to resonate with one side, I would indeed pick a side and that side…would be neither side. And hate it or love it, your reaction would only validate that reactions don’t matter, not here.

Understanding this crucial point will prove that you haven’t even began to understand, which is likely both disheartening and enlightening. But if practiced correctly, then from now on you too can participate in conversations without saying anything of substance…because your substance will speak for itself. Welcome friend, to the end of your beginning.

Who Need Mothers?

To raise a kid all you really need is one dude, to trade shifts with you whenever things get crazy. So just two dudes, plus one more to make enough money to fund the endeavor. So three dudes unless your overall cost of living exceeds the income of your lone investor, in which case you’ll need one more source of income. So, four. Four per kid, which comes out to eight per two kids, unless those kids look to be turning into miscreants. Then you’ll want to add a strict singing nanny, and probably some lawyers. If you need your kids to be fed, then throw in an extra personal chef.

So the point is that in order to raise two tolerable children, you’ll need maybe twelve people minimum. Plus patience and love and a bunch of practical stuff that nobody ever worries about until it’s too late. Like underwear or summer school. You’d need a couple of personal assistants for that.

Also, childbirth. So if you happen to stumble across someone special enough to willingly cover most to all of these responsibilities, and that person happens to be multi-tasking like crazy right now as you’re writing a blog post, then you better power down your laptop and go help her! Crap.

Holiday Music in the Winter

Rudolph, the red-nose cough cough cough cough achoo achoo who sneezed cough cough mommy I have snot achoo waaaaa go get a tissue cough where’s your water bottle cough drink some water you fool achoo cough achoo in your face and then on our dinner cough cough wait who waaaaa stop whining mommy can you achoo hold on build legos cough cough with cough cough me achoo waaaaa stop whining cough cough and quit wiping snot on everything! Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough! Cough! Achoo! Achoo cough cough achoo s@$t are we out of tissues cough achoo maybe cough maybe it’s allergies cough cough achoo achoo stop sneezing on your brother! Cough achoo achoo where’s your mask achoo achoo waaaa where’s your pants achoo cough why did you take them off cough cough ACHOO oh no daddy not you too achoo cough cough mommy cough mommy cough mommy what does “s@$t” mean?