Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy MOMMY! Paw Patrol, please.

“Honey, have you noticed lately that our kids seem obsessed with Paw Patrol?” I whispered to my lovely wife one night, while re-shelving our Paw Patrol coloring books.

“It’s funny you should mention that. They kept singing that Paw Patrol theme song tonight instead of sleeping,” replied my wife in a soft whisper, while rinsing our Paw Patrol flatware.

“In the car this afternoon too. When did they memorized the lyrics? Oh, and mother f&*%#^,” I painfully whispered as the pointy ears of Chase’s action puppy stabbed the soft spot beneath my foot.

“I have no idea, they must have dear god watch out.” whispered my frightened wife as she roller skated through the kitchen on Marshall’s firetruck, into the next room.

“Oh no honey are you OK who left these Paw Patrol crocs in the living room?” I whispered, livid, after tripping and tearing a hole in our prized canvas print, of puppies. From Paw Patrol.

“Hey good news, I found Zuma,” whispered my wife, from the closet where she landed. “Also be a dear and get me the Paw Patrol first aid kit? I’ve been accidentally stabbed by our Paw Patrol samurai sword.”

“Sure honey. You still like the Skye band-aids right?” BANG! “What was that, our Paw Patrol handgun?”

“No, just one of the Paw Patrol birthday balloons. Aw crap and now our kids are awake.”

“I’ll go get them. Whenever you’re in trouble, just yelp for help!”

“Better bring the iPad, in case we need to calm them with some PJ Mask.”

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Sibling Rivalry

As a father of two, I’ve gradually come to the realization that treating the both of them with equal regard and respect is of the utmost importance, should I hope for them to foster between them a healthy sibling relationship that’s free of competitive animosity.

As a father of two, I’ve gradually come to the realization that regarding and rewarding each of them for their own accolades, without invoking collateral praise towards the less-deserving sibling, is of the utmost importance, should I hope for them to foster between them a healthy sibling relationship that’s filled with competitive motivation.


Excerpt from Stinkwaves

“Captain, it’s time.”

A trim figure with shirt unbuttoned turned to his first mate, flashing a debonair grin beneath sexy stubble, before grinning again. “Let’s do this!” he declared in a smoothly British accent, leaping over the railing with the whimsical abandon of a man who knew exactly where he’d land.

…because if anyone knows romance novels, it’s middle-aged sci-fi fanboys – https://www.amazon.com/dp/1947854097


More Fan Mail

Dear Philip:

What’s your opinion on shameless plugs? Good or bad? 

Sincerely,
Shameless Reader

 

Dear Shameless Reader:

Great question. In general I think plugs should always be ashamed whenever they “accidentally” fall off of a loose wall socket. By neglecting their sole duty, they’re disappointing not only the smartphones they’ve been assigned to charge, but the faithful owners of those smartphones as well. It reminds me of this fascinating story that was published on Gremlin Creative, just recently.

Sincerely,
Philip

 

 


Unfair Pseudocode

IF something is fair THEN enjoy it

ELSE IF something is unfair THEN

IF you can take immediate action to correct it THEN take immediate action to correct it

ELSE IF you can take longer term actions to prevent it from happening again THEN take longer term actions to prevent it from happening again

ELSE IF you can console yourself with something else that’s fair THEN console yourself with something else that’s fair

ELSE sleep it off


Fan Mail revisited

That’s ok, I’ll just make up something.

Dear Philip:
   As an aspiring writer who’s been getting some minor work published, but who hasn’t yet published something memorable enough that’ll prevent you from getting left behind as an undetectable blip in human history, how do you handle your fears of getting left behind as an undetectable blip in human history?

Sincerely,
Just Wondering

 

Dear Just Wondering:
Write a delusional blog to some imaginary fans, and then go find out why that almond croissant is still sitting downstairs.


Fan Mail

Today I’ve decided to dedicate my sweet words to you, my adoring readers, by answering some of your most burning questions. So let’s get started, shall we?

You have no new messages.

#$%^!